Beware OK Cupid's Arrow

Online dating has given men and women the chance to redraw their personality - with potentially disastrous results.

Manti T'eo is probably not a name many British people, or indeed anyone outside the United States, has heard of. But the college football star is at the centre of the weirdest stories in recent sporting history. It also highlights the potentially perilous effects of looking for a relationship online.

T'eo, a Hawaiian, was regarded by many seasoned American football fans as a definitive first draft pick for the new NFL season (def: 'draft' is a more rigorously managed version of the football transfer market, presided over by the NFL to ensure a fair crack of the recruitment whip to all prospecting sides) and his form for his university, Notre Dame, was extraordinarily consistent.



 

But following the 'death' of his online girlfriend, now known to be a hoax by a former colleague of T'eo's cousin from college, his form plunged, the team were pulverised in their biggest game of the season, with their star player widely criticised, and the American sports media, including Time magazine, went into overdrive - over a person that never existed.

Online dating has steadily grown in popularity in the last decade to the point where one in five relationships now starts online. The immediate benefits are obvious and reflective of the internet's utilitarian genius; it allows a huge number of people to check each other out from anywhere in the world at no risk to themselves. In many ways, it's also considerably safer; there's no meetup unless you both want to, you can ignore the creeps who claim Mossad know their whereabouts (yes, really) and you can reply whenever you like; love doesn't have to be at first sight.

But perhaps the biggest draw for many, paying particular attention to those who have 'got to know someone' whilst half cut and listening to Chris Brown whether they wanted to or not, is the opportunity to describe oneself in more detail than 'I like sports and music, how about you?'

Why? Anyone can describe themselves however they want, right? If you want to soliloquize a la the Bard, you can (but don't expect a listener by the end, unless you're Byron etc). Yes, but the ability to describe through writing is the ability to edit oneself - and that's where the path divides into cupids and OKCupid.

For some, this is a perfect opportunity to finally reveal their talents and abilities; it may be that a chronically shy man who nonetheless loves house music can finally rhapsodise in the written form and reach - and engage - a whole new group of women who would have never looked at him twice in Revs. Communication through email becomes a chance to both convey an intellectual side via form and to discuss at whatever length you see fit (within reason of course).

For others, this can result in editing of the wrong sort.  We're not talking the nutjob 10% here - the great irony with these guys is they're are so convinced of their supreme abilities to woo the other sex that they rarely dress it up. You can spot them coming a mile off; here's a few examples.

1. Gym Freaks:  fuzzy photos badly taken on poor quality mobile phone cameras of half a torso turned toward a grubby mirror in blinky half light. Warning; this breed consider Costa coffee to be 'meeting women halfway' and it won't be long before you're both in a bar with his mates doing funny coloured shots and drinking beer from a bottle, whether you usually do or
2. The New World Order: Not Hulk Hogan's old day job, these guys and gals generally believe the government is acting either like or on behalf of an Illuminati-style cabal intent on dehumanising society, turning them into faceless drone slaves. The greatest irony here is that many of them are glued to computers 14 hours a day 'watching the skies', thus doing the job of... well, faceless drone slaves.
3. The Harvard Misogynist: Red-brick educated, generally 'stacked' guys who now have high-powered jobs which usually features words and phrases like 'challenging', 'rush' and 'intense'. Beware: this team of dudes do not consider the word 'chick' to be demeaning in any way to women and will high five their friends in front of you (not the women). If you see 'my mates would describe me as a joker who actually has a really caring side' click no thanks.

And that's just three. If you can give this asylum the swerve however, you're faced with a trickier proposition; which ones can you trust? Online dating can make a misanthrope out of anyone who has struck unlucky enough times and the power to edit your personality after repeated read-throughs doesn't compensate for actually having the personality of a WWE wrestler.

Worse still, it can result in complete fabrications. T'eo is a shocking example of the power online relationships can hold over people - particularly those used to loneliness or long periods without human contact - but his is a not an odd story. The fact 'catfish' is now on ITV2 as well as Urban Dictionary shows the crossover is gaining more cultural traction (look it up here, incidentally).

99% are intelligent and hardy enough to wait out a commitment until the first meetup. The sad irony here is the people who would most benefit from online dates - those too shy to purposely go out looking for it - are the people at most risk of being tricked by those bored or malicious enough to want to. Neil LaBute's brilliant, wrenching In The Company of Men springs to mind.

The explosion in popularity of online dating could be the first big step towards a radical shift in how relationships are formed, through aids designed to attune to human minutiae, increasingly blurring the lines between emotional sense and calculated skill.

It could also be just what's needed to change minds encouraged to believe that success is achieved through feats of amazing individualism, with a shrinking support culture through the proliferation of technology and social media (he writes, on a blog). Whichever you think it might be, both require that fundamental characteristic of successful relationships; emotional connections. Just ignore the guys with the shirtless vests and everything will be alright.

Picture courtesy of USA Today