Academy Awards Article No: 236243614893

Beards, bow ties, Bond songs,  Ben Affleck... I'm out of Bs. Here's some pictures from the 85th edition of the Oscars

So. The Academy Awards, as they were (and will no longer be) known, were shown last night. I didn't watch them but of course I know what happened - as though it were pre-ordained, Daniel Day-Lewis won Oscar number three - a stupendous achievement, sarcasm aside - and Ben Affleck was bedecked with the unfortunate 'Comeback Kid' moniker until someone else equally famous really goes off the rails.

Ang Lee surprised a few people, and well done Jennifer Lawrence - I thought you were great in Silver Linings. But really, the reason I like these awards is the opportunity it presents to reacquaint reality with tabloid gossip throughout the year. Underneath the exquisite gowns, the miles of sequins and diamonds, and tuxedos I'll never be able to afford, there's a chance to see real human beings sort of acting like themselves - not their roles.

Mia Farrow amusingly - and not a little spitefully? - tweeted on the drug use amongst audience members and it's great when you suddenly recall that most of these guys and girls are actually made up of real, bodily parts. Incredible, I know. Here's a few photos of them behaving like themselves, whatever that is. That's surely the most interesting role of an actor, right? Avant!

Here's Mr Justin Theroux and Ms Jennifer Aniston, shortly to wed. This picture encapsulates both Aniston-camps - her legions of fans shedding a little tear for that touching intimacy as she straightens her fiancé's bow tie, her legions of detractors seeing the crazed spinster Aniston maintaining her clasp on fuzzy-wuzzy Justin through straightening his bow tie. 'She'll say she's doing him a favour here,' will write one blogger/ journo, 'but this is classic controlling behaviour. No wonder Brad left.'

To the left we have undoubtedly the most commercially successful singer in the world today looking quite distinctly like a grieving vampire (I prefer the long form over 'vampish'). Adele my dear, this dress is most unbecoming. I believe my maternal grandmother wore something similar to a hotel ballroom in Llanddudno for her husband's (and my grandfather's) 70th birthday. Spending time with other young multimillionaires must be a bizarre climate for even the most grounded of individuals, and Adele's rise to something approaching national institution amid adoration from vessels as diverse as Pitchfork and The Daily Telegraph is good going. She performed the Skyfall theme on Sunday evening to an apparently rapturous reception. How do you keep going when you've hit the front at her age? I'd love to see her disappear off the map a la Scott Walker, but something about that dress and much-fussed hair tells me that might not be at the forefront of her mind. Where will she be in five years?

Daniel Day Lewis. He deserves a sentence all to himself as he pushed himself into uncharted territory with his third Oscar win for his portrayal of a man only received through historical testimony. It's worth bearing in mind that Lincoln died a decade before Edison invented the phonograph, and therefore all the critique of Day Lewis's performance is based on found knowledge, not first-hand experience or recordings. There's an argument that says that makes the job easier, and it's a stupid one. Conceiving a Lincoln that captured the preconception of an audience of tens of millions is a huge challenge and it's no surprise to hear Day Lewis stayed in Kentucky character for months, including the entire duration of the shoot, to ensure an exact replica was created. The performance is typical of the man and makes him so interesting; his consummate ability to disappear completely beneath the emotions of his character is, to me, unparalleled in cinema, and he deserves all the plaudits he receives.

Jessica Chastain looks infinitely better as the model for classic Hollywood woman than aviator-totin' ball-buster Maya in Zero Dark Thirty (inc., aviators in the military - West Point needs an eyewear rethink) I strongly suspect this beautiful lady, along with January Jones and Christina Hendrix, have all come from some sort of internal lab within those famous hills that sculpts Golden Age actresses, then animates them one particularly stormy eve. I'm baffled.

Three guys, three different beards. The Oscars 2013 was most definitely the year where not shaving - for weeks - was the done thing. Viscount Bradley Cooper seems to be playing a millionaire playboy with combed back fringe and vulpine features, whereas President Affleck is looking veeeeerrrry stoic and perspicacious with that supremely well-trimmed effort. Professor Clooney meanwhile appears to have grown - literally - into his role as the godfather of serious American cinema. He was here on behalf of Affleck's Argo. Good work gents.

OK fine, here's new and improved Joseph Gordon Levitt in a charcoal grey tux with patent leather shoes and a narrow bowtie. Swoon all you want - but then look at the picture below! That's the JGL I know and love, the giant goof. And who's that mugging with him? Why, it's the only other beardless guy in Los Angeles, Daniel Radcliffe (ironic because he looks way better with one)! What a pair of silly faces - and metaphorical hats off to you both for not losing your gurnability in the face of critical and commercial success. Clooney, take some lessons from these two. You can take the  man out of Third Rock, but etc etc.

What I learnt from the Oscars 2013: Jennifer Aniston is still a really nice person and all those people who like to patronise her should just go suck a lemon or something.  Daniel Day Lewis deserves to enter acting lexicon in the same way Lawrence was permitted the adverb 'Olivieresque'. Jessica Chastain might be the human version of Jessica Rabbit. Adele should wear jeans and a t-shirt if someone advised her on that dress. And beards, when done well, instil hitherto unknown depths to all manner of gentlemen. Grow it back, Daniel. You just look better.

Pictures courtesy of The BBC, guardian.co.uk, E! Online, mirror.co.uk, Yahoo! Movies Australia, ABC News