A Dressing Down

Match of the Day is a window into the heart of the eminently reversible decline of men's high street fashion

Saturday night was the first time I've seen Match of the Day in about two years. Following football journalists on Twitter meant I had a fairly good idea of the standard of 'analysis' I was to expect from the BBC institution, which mostly seemed to comprise of lines indicating where a player was running to and from, and little blue and red spots to tell you they were on the pitch.

Tragic misapplication of the BBC budget notwithstanding, I did notice at least something interesting after about 15 minutes. It was Alan Shearer's jumper, scruffily unbuttoned shirt and shaved head.

Interesting because in my eyes, he looked like he was on a night out in Huddersfield or the like doing top shelf shots rather than presenting a football highlights programme. Non-football fans: I recognise that my expectations may be somewhat foolish. We're not talking Newsnight or the Channel Four news here, I know.

After that I mainly stopped listening to Shearer, Gary Lineker and Alan Hansen (in that order) and started analysing the sartorial decisions of the cast: I am of the belief that football needs smarter men (if you want, there's a double entendre there) and that frankly this open shirt at the throat business has gone on long enough. Never mind all this sport: what were the managers wearing?

Below seems to confirm my worst fears about the state of British men's fashion; it's all gone to hell and Next has got its talons into the shuddering carcass, hacking away at the tailoring wearing a lumberjack shirt with a tracksuit hood attached to it. Here's what the Premier League's managers are wearing in 2013. For some of them, it's not so different from 1974.

Here's Alan Pardew in a distinctly funereal black suit and tie combo. I get that Newcastle aren't doing that great at the moment Alan, but this Dickensian ensemble does you no favours. The shirt is well selected in proportion to the tie knot- it looks like a half Windsor, but there's no adventure here. The knot itself is too tight for me bearing in mind his team's predicament. The jacket reaffirms a somewhat puritanical vibe. It doesn't help that Pardew has steely grey hair; the monochrome styling belies a distinctly conservative look. That's the natural response when you're near the bottom - 'back to basics' (also a Conservative Party election theme) but really, get some pink in there. And a full Windsor, some loafers and a navy suit. The dressing room must be flat as a pancake.

Here's his counterpart Chris Hughton. Again an anonymous black suit coupled with white shirt and a yellow tie. A manager demonstrating his emotional attachment to his team through a coloured tie is common, and I feel for Hughton. He's undoubtedly got the hardest sartorial challenge in the Premier League. You can't even get a really bright yellow tie because, frankly, it'd be horrible. The V neck is the go to for those football managers who coach quick passing football without resorting to long balls and set pieces. Effectively it's a vanguard statement in English football; if you're wearing one, you discuss false nines and 4-2-3-1 formations like you just ate them for breakfast. You certainly don't see Sam 'Opta' Allardyce wearing one.

Ah, now this is a bit more like it. A man who speaks no less than five languages and is considered one of the greats of contemporary football, Swansea's Michael Laudrup (there's a pairing you wouldn't have envisaged a decade ago) ticks all the boxes for continental manager, without losing his northern European stylings. Smart Barbour-style coat? Check. Contrasting yet discreet jumper/ trouser combination? Check. Shirt with no tie worn properly beneath said V neck? Present. Laudrup could probably pass for an A list actor with his looks but that coat for me is the key to his style; a heritage staple (i.e. self-awareness) over a look that belies both intelligence and style. Sums up Swansea nicely.

Sam Allardyce looks a bit like my dearly deceased uncle, who ran a successful carpet-fitting business for years until his retirement. One of the only men who actually looks weird without a moustache, Allardyce's philosophy is captured plainly here. The tie knot is just big enough for the collar but again the black suit belies the staid Gary Cooper-esque outlook on life. The hue of the tie reminds me of a cut of beef on a butcher's hook, or an incredibly awful carpet in my uncle's warehouse. Allardyce is in/famous for his statistic-based approach to football, achieving success through intensely dull football at Bolton Wanderers. This sledgehammer approach to subtlety is the embodiment of his style. He is bloody consistent at least.

Oh Paul. What decade do you think this is? Aston Villa's Paul Lambert, presumably channelling the PE teacher look here with his tracksuit. Villa's predicament is currently a gloomy one - they lost again this weekend, this time at home to promoted Southampton. The tracksuit is the staple of the man who isn't afraid to roll up his sleeves - largely because he's not wearing a £500 jacket and you can't see the creases. Inevitably there's a psychological element at play here - both the perpetuation of youth and the open-minded philosophies that follow (although there's surely a sad irony here given the cultural inferences of the tracksuit in Britain, admittedly largely propagated by a conservative press) and the self-awareness at wearing this pitchside two-piece - suggesting humility, a closeness to the roots and spirit of the game. Of course, it's still just a tracksuit, and Villa are still a point off the relegation zone. So if you're going for a tracksuit, maybe something a bit more daring eh Paul? Your players have got to BELIEVE after all.

I might watch MotD, as the parlance goes, next weekend. I might not. I'm pretty sure of one thing though; when no other major football highlights programme has presenters without ties, you know you've gone out on a limb. Wardrobe: get these chaps to Charles Tyrwhit stat, and introduce them to Gary Neville. I never thought I'd write that.

All pictures courtesy of the BBC